Can I just take second be have an honest mom moment? I'm not entirely proud of this moment nor am I entirely sure this is appropriate to share but I felt led to be open with you and shed some light on the things that I struggle with on a daily basis as a mother.
Let me just start out by saying that the last couple days have just really....sucked. I'll be frank about it because I'm being honest, they've sucked. Like, they've been a royal pain in my flat pregnant........you get the picture.
As I've rolled into my third trimester (with too much heat I might add) I've begun to feel that unbearable tiredness rear its nasty head...not to mention...something ELSE has also begun to "rear its NASTY head" ugh (can I get an AMEN?!). I've literally turned into an insomniac (despite my desperate need for sleep); I seem to become a cripple each night from the shooting sciatic pain down my legs and have to hobble around the house, AND for some reason my kids think it's funny to wreck havoc on any part of my day that doesn't involve them sleeping (which is 99% of my day). Catch my drift?
So yesterday, when my husband left for work and told me it was going to be a late night of showings I died a short death on the inside BUT I owned it! Ya know? Like I totally owned it: I made steaks on the grill, home-made mashed potatoes, green beans (which were all freaking fantastic by the way); then I managed to clean the entire kitchen while drawing a bath for the kiddos (that never happens); and when I got done washing the dishes I plopped both of my lovely munchkins into the tub and sighed a GREAT big sigh of relief while they splashed around in excitement (baths have become a rarity in this household...oh the joys). One hour till bedtime and I was one happy momma.
It wasn't but 5 minutes into the bath that I realized all the towels were in the drier in the basement (it was laundry day), I quickly scooted down the steps and folded a few of the towels to bring upstairs when I heard a loud scream followed by the quick pitter-patter of feet on the floor above me.
"MOM! He's getting into the garbage!" Roz exclaimed.
"Well stop him please! I'm coming!" I yelled in desperation.
As I re-entered the bathroom after being gone but minutes this is what I found...Roz outside of the tub, and Justus inside the tub... along with the entire contents of that weeks bathroom garbage floating all around him. Now I'm not going to go into details of what might have been in that garbage can, but let's just say, the water was NOT clear when I returned!
In that moment a fiery fury came over me that I could not contain and I snapped. I began yelling and screaming and flailing every extremity I owned and it was NOT pretty. I grabbed Justus and yanked him out of the tub, scolding him incessantly for his "naughty" behavior. I then grabbed my handy dandy rubber glove and bleach bottle and went to town. I'm pretty sure I stared at the contents of that catastrophic view for a good 5 minutes trying to figure out how I was even going to begin to tackle it, before I even lifted a finger.
I was SO mad! I was convinced that this was worse than having to clean up poop from the bathtub...like 10 times worse. I cursed every curse word under my breath as I bitterly pulled out tiny bits of toilet paper and crap from the lukewarm water. How could he do something like this? And how could Rozalyn LET him do something like this!?
After scrubbing away the grim and garbage I grabbed the kids and placed them back into the tub to re-wash their grungy bodies. As I silently lathered them in soap, I heard my three year old say,
"Mom, I'm so sorry I let that happen. Justus is sorry too. Do you forgive me?"
Her words cut into the only thing I was holding onto in that moment...my pride. And slowly, but painfully I lifted my anger and replied, "of course babe, I'll always forgive you."
That situation...though as sucky as it may have sounded (and truly was) allowed me to see how my behavior not only pushed blame and shame onto those that I love but it seared an ugly picture of who I was into my children in that moment.
How do you react when sh*t hits the fan and what are some ways you have learned to calm yourself down in the midst of that anger?