I'm just gonna put it out there...sometimes life really sucks. For starters it's winter and ain't nobody got time for this cold weather but more importantly being a wife and a mother isn't always what it's cracked up to be.
To be completely, 100% honest...my life isn't as "put together" as what it may appear to be on Instagram or Facebook. I still face hardships and bad days just like the rest of you. The only difference is...I've become REALLY good at hiding it! (Not something I would necessarily pat myself on the back for). Since having Justus my life has become somewhat...chaotic and well...messy. Just when I though I had life figured out with one kid, I get a swift kick from reality telling me that I'm not as good at my job as I might have thought.
But really...that's what it feels like right moms? Change, although good, is sometimes a harsh reality. I could never understand why my oldest sister loved change so much...I mean still to this day, I think that girl would change the color of her hair everyday if she could just to do something different and out of the ordinary. Me, I haven't changed the style of my hair since junior year of high school and the thought of scissors coming anywhere near it makes me cringe.
Having a second baby has changed my perspective of life in so many ways, yet at the same time, it has brought me some of my greatest challenges. Now don't think that I am not extremely grateful for the family that I have been given...I mean come on just look at them
But if I'm allowed to be transparent here for a moment...parenthood has kicked my butt. It has run me down, exposed my wounds, and tested my marriage. Thank the Lord, He gave me a husband who is able to deal with my crazy because I'm pretty sure I would be a single mom right now if He had not.
To be perfectly honest, after having Justus I began feeling discouraged; discouraged about my future, discouraged about my purpose, and discouraged about myself as a mother. Sure...the hormones probably had a little something to do with this sudden mood change but in all reality I began to feel these things long before Justus came around. I think I finally just became honest with myself and with my husband.
For a while there I began lashing out at my husband, for some reason I justified it by saying, "if only he can feel a fraction of the pain and hurt I'm feeling, it will make me feel better." So you throw out a nasty insult or a snide comment and for a second you do feel a slight bit of gratification but that quickly fades away and your left standing there with a nasty taste in your mouth and a severely hurt spouse. For a while it seems to roll off their back but there is always that ONE comment that ends up getting to them and soon after World War 3 takes place and your forced to go to bed with your worst enemy (talk about torture right?).
This vicious cycle seemed to circle round and round for Guy and I after Justus was born. I would get upset because he wasn't home on time for dinner and I was left waiting (starving) with a two year old that could care less about how hard mommy had worked to make dinner. Then that nagging feeling of not feeling appreciated would set in and I would begin nit picking all the things that I did that day... FOR him...that constantly went without mention. As soon as that boiled over I would begin the overdramatic text messages..."where are you. Thought you were gonna me home by now. I guess I'll just eat without you." (btw the period at the end always makes it 100 times more dramatic and they instantly know you're pissed). As soon as I heard the door unlock I put my mitts up and got ready to duke it out.
How I felt at the end of the night, never got better than how I had originally felt at the beginning. I never felt better about myself or felt justified in my actions. In fact, I ALWAYS felt worse. I would go to bed with a knot in my stomach the size of a soccer ball and I would chew on every word I'd said that evening, playing and replaying every insult in my head. But no matter what, I was always too prideful to turn over and wave my white flag in surrender. How much easier would that have been though? Probably like a million times easier but who likes easier when you can do things the hard way?
It got to the point that I no longer valued my husband (it sounds so terrible to say it out loud but it's the truth). I stopped believing in him, I stopped receiving his love, and in return, I stopped loving him. I was so caught up in my hurt and my baggage that I did everything in my power to bring him down with me. I knew what I was doing and I knew that I needed to somehow escape myself in order to become myself again (if that makes any sense at all).
It was then that I decided to take a trip to visit my two sisters in Nashville, TN. I didn't know how long I was going to be there or even how I was going to get there, but I knew that in order to save my marriage from crumbling even further, I needed to go. So with little, to no warning I told Guy my plan and he graciously accepted my proposition and although he didn't understand it himself, he loved me enough to let me go and do my thing for a week.
So there I was in Nashville, with two little children in a home with my two sisters and their roommate. Sounds entertaining already doesn't it? But it was exactly what I needed!
It was there that I began to feel like myself again. I honestly don't think I realized how much hurt I was harvesting until I began to open my heart up to the encouragement that was being lavished upon me. I began to see my future more clearly, to see my purpose more vividly, and most importantly I began to see my husband for the humble, patient, and incredibly loving man that he was...that he had always been.
I opened my heart up to the Lord for the first time in months and expressed to Him my pain and the fear that I had been storing up within the thin walls of my heart. I surrendered my pride and let the Father infiltrate the areas of my heart that had been shut off for so long. I let God encourage me. And most importantly, I let Him speak truth into every fiber of my being and it was through that mere act that I began to feel alive again. I saw my purpose and my passions for the first time and I wasn't ashamed of them nor afraid of them.
When I returned home I was actually excited to see my husband. I was in need of his love and in need of his touch. For the first time in a long time I was excited to share with him all the things the Lord had done in my heart the past week. I was overjoyed at the thought of doing life with him and had a renewed sense of what our ministry would be together. It was as though for the first time I saw vividly the true beauty the covenant of marriage brings, and what it's made for!
I can honestly say, that trip saved me and my marriage. It gave me hope for the future and it gave me peace knowing that the desires that are stored up in my heart were put there by the Creator and I have nothing to be ashamed of.
Here is a text message between my husband and I after I returned from Nashville. This is such a beautiful picture of redemption. Guy could have easily become bitter towards me and held a slew of things against me, but instead he chose to forgive me and encourage me to follow my dreams. God is the same way...He so desires to meet us right where we are at. No matter the place, He wants to lavish us in His perfect grace and love!
Please know, that I share this in total confidence. I know my marriage STILL isn't perfect anti never will be but our Father longs to renew ever facet of our lives even when it feels like it's past the point of hope. I desire to see each and every one of you flourish in the way our Lord intended your life to flourish. I am always open to talking or praying with you if you are in need of a listening ear! God Bless everyone!! xoxoxo