For the last couple of months I have been dealing with my this restlessness way down deep inside of me; over and over again I question who I am as a wife, who I am as a mom, and who I am as a person, and to no avail, I continue to draw a blank. I question my purpose and the legacy I'm leaving. I question my chaos and the passions that I so longingly seek. I question if what I'm doing is enough and if there's more I could be choosing to do. I question why I can't just be content to be a mom, why do I always feel like I have to be doing something?
And then I think...why can't I be doing something...is that wrong? If I'm a mom first, does that mean there's no room for me? Why do I feel like my motherhood journey has to look like "her" motherhood journey? Why do I feel shame for not parenting my children like "she" parents hers? Why does my success have to look like "her" success?
WHY CAN'T I JUST "DO ME" WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY ABOUT IT?
I'm tired of letting other peoples opinions of me determine the amount of success I have. I'm sick of letting people down. I'm tired of apologizing for "being too busy." And I don't want to have to explain why I want something different than than what's considered "normal."
That may not make sense to everyone, that may not seem practical to everyone...but why does my life have to pass some unspoken check list? Why do my dreams have to stay "just dreams?"
I'm a mother, yes. My children are one of my top priorities at the moment, but guess what...? Being a mom has allowed me to dream in ways I never have before. That may seem backwards to a lot of you. But being a mom has opened my eyes to life beyond my four walls and into a world full of opportunities. Because of my children, I now see life as a field of adventure, experience, and wonder. I'm not limited to my college degree, or my social standing. I can make a living blogging...I can travel the world even; I can experience what love looks like in a different culture; what food tastes like on the top of a mountain, and what beauty lies deep across the ocean.
I'm so over the comparison game, it's not even funny. I'm tired of trying to find my place in an occupation that looks SOOOO different, across so many different families. I hate that people try to "define" what motherhood should look like. How in the heck, can you say my motherhood journey is going to look like yours? And what gives you the right to determine if I'm doing it right or wrong?
No, I'm not talking to one specific person here. Rather just the mass of unspoken expectations I hear from so many across social media, community members, society, tradition, etc. I am the mother to my children and when I feel in my heart that I need to jump...I'm gonna jump; when I feel it's time to run...I'm gonna run. And no matter how "different" I decide to live out my life, I will always do it with the intention of furthering my family, the kingdom, and myself before anything else.
For all you mama's out there that are rocking it out, living out your dreams and finding your place amidst a sea of judgement...I am so proud of you! Go you! Keep following your heart and going to the beat of your own drum. You inspire me to keep following mine!
As always, thank you so much for stopping by! I hope you come back! xoxo, Tessa
P.S. You can stay up to date with our every day happenings on my Instagram!
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