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If you've been following my Instagram stories lately you've seen that I've been struggling with this whole "influencer" game. Over the past couple of months as I've dedicated my mornings to hearing God's voice I began to feel a shift within me. And in that shift, I felt the Lord begin to peel back, layer by layer, these false truths that I've begun to believe about myself. These "truths" that told me I wasn't good enough, that no matter how hard I worked I would never be as "good" as them. These "truths" that made me feel unworthy, undignified, and unjust. These "truths" that made me believe that my body wasn't enough and my skin wasn't perfect enough. And when there was nothing left to peel back I saw it. This gaping hole; devoid of any life, purpose, or feelings.
When I asked the Father what does this hole represent? He lovingly replied, your addiction to affirmation.
Now if that doesn't just knock the breath right out of you, right? Addicted to affirmation? What? I felt like I had just been gut sacked and humiliated all at once. Not because I felt like the Father was laughing in my face but because I knew it was true. I was addicted to affirmation. And the truth meshed with His love covered my guilt.
In that moment I forgot what I was working towards; What I'd actually been called to over 4 years ago. Over the years, as I worked to grow my blog and my following, I began to get so wrapped up in aesthetics, brand partnerships, comments, and body image (just to name a few) that I truly forgot why the Lord had first called me to start a blog.
I sat there, exposed and vulnerable. I felt like every inward thought I had ever had was out there for all to see and in that moment I knew I'd been fooled. I had bought the lie that I needed to "do, do, do" in order to receive. I bought the lie that my God given identity wasn't enough so I needed to embellish on it a little more. And I bought the lie that told me I needed every ones affirmation over the Father's.
I write this for the world to see because I truly believe this has become an epidemic in our society. This need for everyone to embellish on their lives only to be affirmed by everyone else that they are living such a perfect life. And can I just tell you from experience...the more you seek affirmation, the more you are going to need it. This has truly become an addiction and not for just me, for so many of us seeking to be loved.
We all just want to be accepted, to be loved, and to be known. This is the way the Father created us. We are meant to walk this world in community with one another because we are connected. When God created Adam, He knew that he needed another because why? "It is not good for man to be alone." (Genesis 2:18). So God made Adam a "helper" that was just right for him. And how was Eve created? From the "side" (or rib) of Adam.
We are CONNECTED! And we are meant to affirm one another and raise one another up but we are not meant to receive our affirmations from man alone. The more we look to receive worldly things, the more alone and disconnected we will become.
And so that's where I was and if I'm being honest, that's kind of where I still am. I want so badly to be so connected with the Father that all I can do when I get on social media is encourage and uplift those running in this race with me. I don't want to see anyone else as a potential threat or become jealous of an opportunity given to somebody else and not me. I want my God given identity to be so engraved within me that comparison becomes obsolete because how can you compare two things that weren't created to do the same thing?
These are maybe harsh truths to face but they are truths that I have needed to reach for my own personal health and connection with the Lord. I truly hope that this blog post reaches those that feel they are in this same struggle and need to be freed from their addiction to affirmation. If that's you I want you to pray this prayer out loud:
I come before you in adoration of all that you are and all that you've done for me. You are the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords, and I come before you as your daughter in need of a little Fatherly love. Father, forgive me for serving the love and acceptance of man and pushing away the love and adoration that you have for me. Right now, I lay down my addiction to affirmation at your feet, I no longer desire to carry this heavy burden. And from this moment forward I cling to what you have to say about me. I am a beautiful, worthy, righteous daughter of the Highest King, and my strength and worth come from you and you alone. Father, show me a picture of how you see me so that I might go forward and encourage my sisters in Christ to do the same. Amen.
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And as always, thank you for stopping by my little corner of the internet. xoxo, Tessa
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